Intention

We do not have the luxury to define how life prevails us. We can only choose our intent under it’s weight.

 

It is easy to exist – to be owned by fear, sadness or anger. It can be the most exhausting of things to take the weight of emotion and redirect it into purpose. A common narrative in our culture is that doing life selflessly is most difficult and inconvenient. There is such focus on how any given thing will impact you….you….you…it’s everywhere. What if the narrative was about sharing? Sharing in joys, successes, the honest to goodness soul crushing moments? Can you imagine how rich and vibrant “existing” could be?

 

The heaviness of life has not lifted – it spins and curls in every attempt to make a permanent home here. Our efforts to find normalcy get trapped under our need to process. Our need to process gets trapped under our fear of feeling. Our fear of feeling is the greatest of fears. It can be small things – choosing a different line at the grocery store because we see an infant seat…skipping a meeting because someone brings their child to work…walking away from a conversation riddled with the joys of parenthood. Every moment is owned, whether a milestone or failure. Every moment is a part of this perpetual process. Our intent is to keep moving; to be productive, not just dwell on the bad. In the moving and the smiling and the social experiments, there are moments where sitting in silence is necessary. It could be an evening, a week, a month… It is whatever it needs to be. The walls we build in our silence can be temporary or permanent, it’s up to us to fight against permanence. Instinct can rule our action, it cannot rule the intention of our heart. We remain vigil to our intent.

 

We are in a season of silence. We may not be reaching out to family and friends often, but we are good. We are busy with the day to day – allowing ourselves to get lost in work and projects. We are aware, we are present in this season to not let it become the norm, but this is where we need to function right now. We look forward to a season where silence is not the theme but this one feels right. We are surrounded near and far by the most gracious family and friends. The consistent contact, in all its forms, is so dear. We appreciate it even if we do not respond.

 
In other news we have had record breaking heat – the highest so far has been 106! It’s hot, yes, but honestly, it’s really not that bad. It certainly makes Idahoians grumpy, but we would take this any day over humidity and mosquitos. Our sweet friends let us borrow their kayaks last weekend – here are some shots from beautiful Lake Pond Orielle

Mick

heart of an awl

We moved to a town named Coeur d’Alene. Mick being “fluent” in French likes to remind me what it means in his humorous ways. We will be watching the news and they will flip to an on-site reporter downtown, Mick will lean over, and in his best nerd voice say, “you know what Coeur d’Alene means Misie? It means…” and generally follows that up with a “your welcome.” Such a nerd [this probably happens three times a week – beating a dead horse].
The Coeur d’Alene were actually a group of Native Americans who lived along the lakes and rivers of this region. Translated, Coeur d’Alene means Heart of an Awl – or nail. They were an incredibly tough people and this reputation preceded them in business with the French settlers/traders. It’s interesting, given our current situation, that we live in “heart of a nail” Idaho. Before it was pretty to say and fun to mispronounce, it now carries great weight, especially for Miss Birdie. After our visit Monday we weren’t able to get all our questions answered but we did learn that she is perfectly healthy in every other way. Her organs look fantastic, she is filled with sass, she may have Jay Z’s nose, and she really likes to suck her thumb. Her heart is still functioning on one ventricle but with intervention she will have the heart of a nail, figuratively in sass, and in actuality, thanks to modern medicine.

This last week has brought so many unexpected but cherished moments. We are humbled, truly, by the support and generosity of so many. Things are falling into place that we haven’t even allowed ourselves to think about. The biggest piece of late, Mick’s boss made arrangements to give him an entire month off, paid, once Birdie is born. We never even thought to ask for such a thing – we just figured he would eventually head back to work and I would go to the hospital everyday. Now, we can to visit the NICU together, we can bring her home together, we can stay up all night together staring, making sure she’s breathing. It was relief we had no idea we needed. The support I have received at work has blown me away. We are surrounded in love and it leaves us speechless.

Monday begins three weeks of madness – I have six doctor’s appointments between the cardiologist and the OB/NICU. I will be on tours, having various ultra sounds and fetal echoes, and meeting, what I now understand to be, a rotating team of ten total Doctors that will play a part in this adventure. January 23rd we go in first thing to begin the induction. I am praying my body will be receptive to the medicine as I would still very much like to have Birdie naturally. It would even be super rad if my body is ready on it’s own. Monday, after my appointments with the Neonatologist and the OB, our entire timeline for birth should be planned and set; by Thursday, I will have the surgical details set as well. It’s all coming together. Thank you again for all the prayers, love vibrations, support and encouraging cards and notes – all of these things are appreciated and cherished.

a year in review, kinda

I hate overused phrases. I think I acquired this distaste from Mick – he remembers every silly phrase used to sell something or ones used by people with nothing intelligent to say: let’s do this, get er done, you only live once, LOL, why the face…etc. He doesn’t just despise all things phrase, he then overuses them to make a point as to how annoying they are. SO when he said the other day, what a difference a year makes, I had to LOL because he was actually serious. The first of this month marked the one year anniversary of our arrival in Idaho. After two weeks traipsing across the US in the worst weather, we arrived alive.

It really is amazing all that has happened in the last year, how we’ve changed, how we’ve seen others change, or not. There was also Mick’s hand, the new house, the first week at the house, and so much in between! I can say for us, as a couple, we are so much more relaxed. Its as if our little house and personal space bubbles are lined with cotton balls – everything stressful that happens, is entirely muted once it actually reaches us. We belly laugh pretty much everyday, we talk about anything and everything under the sun, and we enjoy every single day, even the no good, terrible ones. We have met some kindred souls who are always genuine and always gracious. We have been welcomed and practically adopted into some wonderful families. We have been fed every holiday, celebrated and valued on our birthdays even by strangers. What a gift to be accepted as you are, for exactly who you are and immediately shown grace. To move 4,000 miles away and feel the same kind of love we knew back east – such a blessing.
I am watching Mick flourish as a person – he is grasping and soaking in all those things we all have seen in him for years. He is making a mark, one he doesn’t even see, on so many lives. I couldn’t be more proud to see him recognize and use his many gifts – it blows me away how special a person he is…without even trying. This baby is one lucky lady to have him for a dad.
The only thing that remains the same is Lil Buddy. He’s just as broken and special as always, probably more so, but he keeps our life interesting and hilarious. February will bring it’s own surprises for him – not just cries and coos but new furniture with which to maneuver and objects that seem to move on their own. The floors will be yesterday’s news. We are looking forward to the year ahead but hope it does not rush by – we are really enjoying the here and now and living each day simply and happily.
**italics = annoying phrases