dichotomy of life and death

The honest truth. This is what we strive for – honesty to self, to each other and to those trying to support us. So – honestly – we are still in that season of silence and now a season of frustration. There are no shaking fists while sobbing “why me…” it’s more a state of being. It seems every week we are told – “we are pregnant.” I did not include an object of exclamation there deliberately. That is how it hits us – heavy, to the point and straight to the gut. It is not the actual joy these people feel that pisses us off, it is the reminder, the one we don’t need, that our daughter is not here. We are reminded every single day and these announcements tend to render us helpless. A pregnancy here and there would be somewhat bearable, but when 75% or more of your friends have recently discovered they are having a healthy baby, it makes the need, the want, the desire for isolation intense. There are no words or comparisons we can make to help you understand – we can only ask for your continued patience and grace.

I have never been a fake person or one to say the opposite of what I mean. In this instance, in terms of my own grief and need to process, I don’t intend to start. I know it is out of everyone’s comfort zone to let us be. You don’t know what to say, you don’t want to say the wrong thing, you don’t want to smother us and you most of all don’t want to make this worse. So please understand – It is not personal. It is survival. These feelings – they are unnatural to the soul – we have spaces in our heads and hearts for the feelings that daily life brings. But this – this anger, this sadness, this rejection of reality – where do you put that? There is no designated space. There is no allotted time frame where you can tell me it gets easier. I don’t want to hear time heals wounds because whether or not that is true – right now – our nearest and dearest relationships are changing. It is out of our control, it is painful, it is another form of unexpected loss.

In this – this honesty – we attempt to avoid self deprecation or self delusion.The only thing we ask in return is for understanding – for little to no expectation of how we should be. To realize, although we laugh and smile – bravery and courage never replace pain. We cannot be expected to react as a best friend would to a joyful announcement or invitation. We are not capable…at this time. Some day – we surely hope for that.

One thought on “dichotomy of life and death

  1. Erika

    My heart cannot feel your pain. Or feel your happiness. Your happiness, im sure it is hard for you to feel as well. But it is your pain that I struggle with. I wish I could take it away. I wish I could make it fade from the forefront of your thoughts and take it on myself. I have experienced joy, I have experienced sadness, I have also experienced loss. But no such loss as you two have had to withstand. Im sure in a time like this that I would question God. Please do not….for i have learned He is there. He is ever present. Even when it feels like you are alone. No matter how distant He feels, know He is by your side.

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