a process

The thing about grief is…there is no thing. No one can tell you how to go through it. No one can tell you if you’re doing it wrong. I understand there are five stages – they define general feelings you will process – general feelings. I don’t discount the years of study that created this logic, however at this point, they are the most simplistic terms to describe our hearts, and that seems offensive in some way. Maybe the five stages are more for those supporting you – it gives them something to grasp, a definition to satiate their helplessness. In my brief experience, the depths at which the soul grieves, supersedes the generic.

I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state, but a process. C.S. Lewis – A Grief Observed

To me – grief cannot be defined, each person translates it differently. The definition we give to each day’s emotion will change and warp and at times revisit itself. It swirls around quickly and then slows down. We are not given the luxury of determining it’s weight or timing, we only get to determine our stride in it’s midst. We will make attempts to move forward and discover versions of ourselves we never imagined. The people we were before Bridie, well, they seem like strangers. We now walk around in shells of our former selves; this will change. In grace we will heal. It will be an indefinite process, and those human shells – they will be filled with more mature, defined people. There is no map, there is no timeline. Our stages of grief will be just that, ours.

4 thoughts on “a process

  1. Elizabeth Mark

    You two are wise beyond your years. Every day, especially when I am at work, I think of you both and your little Birdie. My words can not express my grief for you. Our love and prayers will hopefully help you through your tremendous sorrow. Betty Mark

  2. Holly Capra

    The “stages” of grief, were created by Dr Elizabeth Kubler-Ross well over 40 years ago. She was an amazing person, who had such a heart for the dying and those left behind. She allowed a friend of mine, in grief work, to work side by side with her. He also worked with Mother Theresa in India. He went on to write a few books on various aspects of grief. They are insightful, yet crudely simplistic. What I have learned in my >30 years in grief work is that you are 100% correct, Misie. None of us will be as much of an expert in grief as you are and will be. You will never be the same. You will grow and change in ways that we can’t wrap our minds around. Everyone’s personal experience is vastly different, even those that seem to be the same on the outside. None of us can even begin to explain or understand heartbreak that teeters on the verge of non-survivability. None of us can even begin to understand how you and Mick feel. None of us has the capacity to help you or make you feel better. That is why we stumble all over ourselves and our words of comfort, because we are trying. I have found freedom in the fact that I cannot say a magical word or do a magical act that will make you feel better. I can only love you. We can only love you. We can be present with you, without understanding. We can walk next to you along this road, as silent and sometimes talking support. We can smile and laugh with you, when you choose to take a break from this hard work. We can cry with you, when you are doing your hardest work. We can’t tell you time heals all, it doesn’t. Hard work and time brings change. All we have is now, this present moment and this is where we will all stay with you along this journey.

  3. Thank you for sharing your heart with us Misie.

    What you said is so profound. It reminds me of an Anias Nin quote, each relationship “…represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive…” Something new was created between you, Mick and Birdie, that is it’s own and grieving this, is its own as well.

    Our hearts ache for you all and we continue to pray for the Lord’s comfort for you two.

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