a constant state

We are four weeks out from what feels like the start of this adventure. We are feeling anxious – we’re ready to meet our little girl but know all that entails – it’s a conflicting emotion. We know she’s perfectly safe right now, making us laugh everyday with her sporadic movements and what seems like a whole lot of sass. Buddy cuddles her every single night – she kicks and punches him and he absolutely loves it – falls sound asleep on my stomach despite the jars and jolts. These relaxing evenings on the couch will soon change and become something we can’t wrap our minds around. Monday is a big day for us. We have a four hour appointment at the children’s hospital to prepare for Birdie’s delivery. We have three back to back appointments including an ultrasound. We look forward to seeing our little girl and double checking all her other organs, guaranteeing their strength and growth which will ease the surgeons job. She is still growing, being formed and stitched, and her patterns of movement are off any charts. We are praying for a miracle. We are also OK if this truly is to be our next adventure – I am confident in Mick, I am confident in our survival, our ability to acclimate to change. We have been prepared for so much change this last year and clearly we must continue to be moldable.

I look back six, eight, ten years ago, I was facing mountains. I was in many pieces, all with sharp edges and severely flawed. I couldn’t look past the day or see outside my grief and confusion. As each year passed, as I started my life with Mick, and as I got healthy, it began to make sense. The purpose and education of pain and how we choose to react to it. I had never experienced life in such a way and it seems it wasn’t over. Although I moved past that specific time, it wasn’t just a lesson for then…it was preparation for more life yet to be lived. We live in a constant state of folding and unfolding. It may be an entirely different set of circumstances but it all requires the same sense of vulnerability, the same blind faith of hoping for a life, a relationship, a result I can never truly imagine. The most encouraging piece – I/we are not alone in this.
We will update after Mondays appointment – hopefully we will have a lot of questions answered and a schedule of things to come.

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